I am never Alone!

My first Post here, dedicated to Sam:

I was invited to perform at a mega event in USA which had in a way initialized my solo tour & later the mega event was followed by six-seven more concerts … the tour was partially sponsored, as the first show was to be done on Their invitation - but partially the tour was to be organized by me.. Thus, except one program, rest of it was A Self-Called Tour!

Somehow I welcomed this prospect as throughout 37 years of my life, I was being criticized by all my loved ones that I always took Music as it came to me but never really explored the professional side of my music nor did I give it a try to make myself seen as an artiste on a wider scale.. :O)) In a way, I was pushed with this external reason to ‘prove’ my ability as a professional musician & also as a person in an alien land.. !!

As I had sensed it in advance, our first program about Marathi Folklore & folk music, based on Oral Traditions of Maharashtra was proved super hit, it got very high critical acclaim from classes and a big applaud from masses too… In spite of much chaos on the organizational level, we had enjoyed our own Music much! Thereafter my team left for India & my ‘Eklaa Chalo Re’ tour began to take shape..

I already had been in touch with various organizations in USA for last six months who were interested in promotion of Indian Music & Upcoming Artistes from India. Out of the 20-25 organizations I had contacted, 8-9 people had shown interest in organizing solo concerts of mine! Nothing was fixed and yet there was a hope and some reassurance.. I was Happy!

I started dealing with various matters related to performance like finding & arranging local accompaniment, fixing rehearsals, managing time-tables, domestic travel, stay & creating other logistic support, holding meetings with various groups, taking care of monitory aspects of each of the concert and so on… I was keen, as I was exploring my music and mind both in a different direction and dimension too.. Here in India, most of the times, My concern is only Music! Rest is taken care of by the people who invite me… But there, as you know, I was on a self-invited tour!

Shattered Itinerary!

Soon after my Philadelphia Mega Marathi Show was over, I was to leave for the next destination for my concert & suddenly I got the message from one of the organizers, that due to budget constrains & also due to lack of logistic support, they couldn’t go ahead with my concert.. It stood as cancelled.. Well, My itinerary started shattering there n then.. But I thought I still had seven more invitations in my hands.. Thus I contacted one more organizer who had promised to arrange my program in July 2009, to fix the date and informed him that I was already in USA and my tour had begun… I was told to call him ‘tomorrow’… & again tomorrow.. For the next couple of days I kept on calling & also kept on waiting for yet another tomorrow… which never really arrived..

My itinerary now almost had collapsed due to unexpected cancellation of two-three concerts so had my travel plans & also the stay arrangements!

Well, still I left for Columbus Ohio where one such promotional concert was organized.. & fortunately which was still on… I was traveling alone… and wasn’t that familiar with various transportation modes of USA… ( and also with the American Accent! :O)) ) thus by Keeping the Google Maps, Train Time-Tables, Bus Numbers & Phone numbers always in my pocket, I was attempting to make my tour simple and affordable.. !! I wasn’t even carrying a cell as the prepaid phone was too expensive there which I simply could not buy! :O))

Got scolding from A Cabwala at the right time!

On my way to Phili Airport, I just asked the Cab Driver, an Afro-American Man, that how much will he charge? :O)) He smiled and gave a short but real dose to me in a friendly manner… “You Indian! Always keep on converting a Dollar into Rupees.. Always! Stop doing that! It will spoil all your fun being here… This is a free country, Enjoy the freedom… Stop Counting.. You will earn for sure don’t worry.. !! “ & Then he sang a Hindi Song for me.. Which truly made my day.. I realized I needed to release that strain which I was holding inside due to the cancellation of my programs..!!

Later, throughout my tour, I never converted Dollars into Rupees.. !! (And yet) In stead, I started saving some dollars! :P

Explaining Inexplicable!

Carrying forward my usual “feeling low” temperament, just before the concert, I wasn’t having very high hopes… incidentally - a dear pal from India – my virtual pal.. Came on chat & kicked my butt hard :“Oh You Puneri Middle Class Woman… Grow Up … you are in OHIO… Try & Think Big… at least now.. !!” He said! :O))

I don’t know what happened next, but to my pleasant Surprise, Columbus gave me a Huge, Huge Response… It was natural on Organizers’ part to let me know about the audience’s demands & likings etc… I reassured them that I will take all your instructions into consideration,… But first let me be friends with my audience.. :O))

As we were progressing with the Three Hour Baithak.. An amazing feeling of oneness with the audience was being observed by me.. I was singing almost all old & traditional numbers… nothing much popular or familiar even.. But nothing really mattered… what mattered was the connection... the connection which was inexplicable..

Science & Art!

Later, I was discussing this with one of my pals, who is a scientist, according to him there is nothing like ‘Inexplicable’ – One should not glorify the factor of ‘Unknown’ much, as Our Intellect might not grasp this “Unknown” for one particular moment, but eventually Universe justifies everything.. Human cells carry the memory of thousands of years & they do recognize & know everything that happens to them…

Hmm… “True” I said... but then I also recalled my teacher who says that to explain & communicate all that happens , we need language… & language has its own boundaries… and much of the “felt” remains Outside of these boundaries…Doesn’t it?

I guess that’s why Science & Art are what they are... they operate on different levels.. One more on the level of Comprehension & Affirmation & the other more on the level of Feeling & Imagination.. !! They both of course interact.. compliment each other & make the world a wonderful place to live!

Thus I continued to feel what happened between me & my listener in Columbus but did not try to explain.. :O)) I was Happy! After all, it was a brilliant beginning… !! People loved me for what I was.. Aah… what else an artiste needs… Enjoyed the love & warmth to the fullest for two days.. & Soon it was time to leave.. My Music was remunerated by those kind people, but more was my heart!

Columbus had boosted my confidence.. And I was ready to welcome the next event & experience.. Though my New Jersey stay had become a problem by now due to my shattered Itinerary.. I had some acquaintances and some cousin-friends living there… thus I joined them with my Taanpura as two more concerts at Somerset & Cherry Hill were upcoming in NJ area itself..

Respecting the Ambiance!

A temple organization had invited me for the concert in NJ; I was informed by a gentleman who introduced me to Temple People, that they had a small auditorium & very good audience… They would appreciate all Sufi, Ghazal & Semi-classical music that I present… I had prepared my repertoire accordingly.. !! When I reached the venue, I realized that there was no separate auditorium… Surely some miscommunication had taken place… The Hall was very much a part of the temple.. But still, I thought I would go ahead with my content… & Then came the head of the temple & inquired what would be the content of my concert… I said Sufi Compositions, Bhajans, Philosophical Ghazals & so on… !! Oh.. He said: As you know dear, this is a Hindu Temple.. & I expect that you respect the ambiance.. Hope you understand the delicacy of the issue & thus will refrain from singing Sufi Songs or Ghazals here.. !! ………………………

He was right.. I should have known this.. But this came just before I was to go on the stage… !! It was an unexpected jerk.. My selection was different and at the last moment I was supposed to change it almost entirely… !!

I thought it was Nobody’s fault… and Show had to go on… I quickly changed the content on the spot but sang somewhat silently thereafter.. People loved my singing but I knew I was off color… :O((

At night while pondering over what happened… I said: When will you learn to be ‘religiously correct’ Pra? How could you take it for granted that you will be sanctioned to sing Ghazals & Sufi Music in a Hindu temple? Why dint you imagine this situation in advance? It does not make any difference to You whether it is a Sufi composition or saint poetry… whether it is an Urdu Sher or a Braj Bhasha Song-Text.. But it certainly makes the difference to the social ambiance in which you sing.. After all, Artiste is very much a part of the society & needs to follow certain social norms in order to maintain the peace in the society… An artiste doesn’t have a right to cause any social unrest under the name of artistic freedom.. !! Nothing exists in vacuum after all.. You are inseparable from the society.. !! Only s/he is a wise artiste who knows when to cherish the individual freedom & creative expression… but also knows aptly when to serve the required social purposes.. !!Answer lies in Balance!

Soon after, it was time to sing at Cheery Hill… I felt as if I was in my Peehar as the house mother who had invited me for the concert, was from my native town Vadodara.. !! I enjoyed singing in that blissful & cozy environment, where love & music both were in the air.. !!

‘Bhikshaan Dehi’ Block!

I continued to roam around. My heart ached to witness that almost every house I visited had already lost a job or was facing tremendous insecurity related to work… Mothers were worried about children and their education… fathers were worried about the bread butter of the family… And children.. Were wondering about this invisible tension in the house!

Victims of Recession! My Patrons!

It is obvious! If the main stream gets hampered, the secondary stream too..

I must emphasize here that Secondary doesn’t mean Inferior..

Yet, It is a simple fact that one doesn’t die if one doesn’t listen to music..

Art and consequently artiste are always secondary needs of the society..

Thus an artiste never should be afraid of seeking patronage from the society!

S/he must keep aside the individual ego & seek freely for all kind of support in order to keep the Art & the Artiste Alive!

If incapable of doing so, s/he must at least keep the faith alive in art itself that I am on the right track & patronage will follow eventually… for sure!

Oh but here in this case, I was asking the jobless mainstream to offer me a job.. !!

Embarrassingly Tough task.. Still I had to, had to move ahead with my concerts.. But the funny thing was - in spite of knowing the fact, that Patronage in some or the other form is necessary.. I could not dissolve my house holder ego fully during the tour & thus invited lot of pain & discomfort! :O))

My block & hesitance to accept any kind of assistance, favor or help from people created trouble in my interaction with some of my hosts and pals.. They obviously found me too strained, closed & formal… !! May be… Boring, Artificial & Dishonest too.. Well, I had very much wished to let them know: “Am so sorry.. But Pals please know that I love you… and this is a delicate phase of my artiste-hood, I am learning new things… exploring a different aspect my art during this internship.. I need you as my pals.. and also as my hosts… please accept me as I am for a while… But.. !! :O)) I kept mum…

Now while looking back, I understand.. Had I been there just on a pleasure trip & had I been with the same pals, my conduct would have been much comfortable & relaxed.. !! Well, It surely hurts when you are neither liked nor accepted by your hosts…

So? What next? Of course it was Time to reassure myself… “Why is it so Pra that everybody should accept you? At least You can have a holy acceptance of the fact that you are disliked by some, and that is okay… :O))

Lesson learnt is – It is up to the society to scrutinize before giving the Bhiksha to her but first Pra must learn to say “Bhikshaan Dehi…” proudly when she is Out of her Household & when she is holding the Taanpura in her hand.. !! She must realize that Some debts are Not to be repaid in the same form in which you receive them… !!

Whatever good or bad a society does to an artiste is beyond repayment!

Coming back to concerts, - Artiste who is on a promotional tours, cant / shouldn’t demand money.. But then, nothing comes for free.. The performing avenues, accompanists, transportation and miscellaneous expenses.. !! There I felt obliged, indeed Obliged as most of the organizations who arranged my programs, provided me all these for free… most importantly, They provided me with The Audience.. :O))

Lost in New York! :O))

By now I was done with five major concerts & the next Destination was Baltimore… I already had changed 7-8 destinations & was a bit tired of travelling.. And yet I had to move on.. As always I was carrying the Google maps & train timetables with me.. :O)) I had to catch the bus for Baltimore from NY.. I left from Hoboken in time.. It was pouring & hardly anything could be seen on the road.. I safely reached WTC from where I had to follow the map for bus station.. !! Surprisingly not a single police man at WTC knew where my Bus Station was… and due to heavy rains all the cabs were also full.. I had to start walking with the help of Map.. I don’t know what happened but even after walking for half an hour.. I couldn’t reach to my bus stop… & Google was showing 6 minutes total time for destination… I was continuously asking people the way… But I had forgotten that I was in NY where people are always in hurry.. :O)) I thought I should wait for a cab but then I was running out of time.. !! Me, my maps & my luggage we all were completely wet as an umbrella could hardly protect us from that heavy rain… !!

I thought: what if I miss this bus? Of course Money and Time both will be lost.. and New reservation shall take more effort… !! Oh! Not a good idea at all! Well, as a last try, I asked for the way to East Broadway to a gentleman on the road.. He looked at me with surprise and said: Hey! What are you doing on West Broadway? You have come exactly on the opposite side.. And several blocks away from your bus stop.. !! Only a cab can take you there in time now.. !!

What? Before I could know, I had taken one, single wrong turn and that had left me nowhere near my destination.. !! :O))

I stood there numb for a while.. And suddenly.. I heard: “Wanna taxi ma’am?” :O)) Again, an Afro-American Cabwalah had come from nowhere to take me to my destination..!!

Interesting! This and many more such stories were born during the tour! :O))

Well, Baltimore was beautiful on every level… !! I met loving people & pals there.. Also, got an invitation from an Academy promoting Indian Arts and Culture, to be their regular faculty & help them design a course for the new generation of NRIs which would give them some glimpses of their own cultural heritage! I felt Happy!

My Music! Neither Too Abstract Nor Too Popular!

You are New, You are nobody! No one knows you! And you are performing! :O)) If your audience is not well informed by the organizer about the style and content of your music, you are bound be in an awkward position as you get any kind of Farmaish ranging from a Classical Bandish to ‘Laila O Laila’ Bollywood song.. :O))

What do you do then? Honesty is the best answer but that doesn’t calm the consumer… !! Well, then you have to make sure that whatever music you present has the capacity to touch all the layers of the audience, and for some reason if that doesn’t happen… you have to be ready to let go of this stage as your future prospect… this is the risk.. Well, I decided to take this risk..

I was caught in a musical situation which demanded both, the folk, semi-classical Indian Music & also Bollywood’s popular music for that particular show.. I decided to sing what I knew.. Which was obviously miles away from Popular & Famous Numbers.. I was advised by my well-wisher organizers that I must mug up few popular numbers to catch hold of my audience.. !! :O))

It was inevitable… I tired my best & yet the friction had to take place between me & my beloved organizer.. :O)) I just said .. Let me be friends with my audience first.. !!

But I also wished to say:

“I have nothing against Popular Numbers as they also are the best in their own way… But I really don’t feel like to present them & also I don’t know how to present them! That is a genuine difficulty… & as a result I have been labeled as the parallel stream artiste (It is a sophisticated way of naming an artiste who has less name & less money!) :O))

Well, what is all required is that I need to know that the kind of Music I am involved in, is hardly 5% of the whole of Indian Music then obviously the people I will get as my listeners will also be 5% of the whole lot of listeners.. Why should I then crave unreasonably for more money, more name & more audience?

But at the same time I also know, that No Art is like a water-tight compartment.. Streams of Music do overlap, jell & interact with each other.. That’s how they grow & spread… So, it is pointless pestering only me to incorporate in my repertoire popular numbers, some times popular stream should also have a large heart to encompass my traditional melodies.. “

But it was not the time to discuss … it was time to perform… I had a hope that my music will speak for me! And eventually that did happen…

Of course it was a challenge… With all the unfamiliar western instruments accompanying me & also with Bollywood Music overpowering the ambiance, I had to render those lesser known, non-glamorous melodies!! Especially so, when I was already considered as a Vernacular, Second class Singer from India who had not sung for even a single Bollywood film so far… A B Grade Artiste.. :O)) as my bio data showed that I had sung only for Marathi & Gujarati Films so far.. !! I wasn’t even provided a room to change my clothes in that three star hotel… I was told that everybody here uses the Restroom area for changing… Thus I went and wore the Saree in a Restroom.. :O))

Initially all these did hurt, but soon I felt Bhala Huaa, I could emerge still as a stronger being & an artiste after getting all this ‘special’ treatment.. also I recalled that I wasn’t alone… The whole tradition has witnessed almost All my predecessors undergoing this some or the other time in their life! So, where was the big deal?

Well, I was to begin with relatively known folksong, (as I had genuinely tried to make myself a part of them!) Kesariya Baalam.. The accompanying guitarist wondered how come I was to sing it in such a low pitch completely unlike the film song. He said I am not then signing the Original track if I am Not imitating Lata Didi.. ;)) I wished to very much let him know, that there is nothing called ‘Original’ in Indian Folk Traditions.. Folk Music belongs to everybody who loves it… !! But I knew.. it was of No Use.. I said in stead, “Main to Lata Ji ke Charano ki dhool bhi nahee.. so I cant sing like her in a very high pitch.. Kindly “bear” with me.. !!” He was taken a back for a moment but then said He is a professional & he can play with everybody and anybody… :O))

LOL... My teacher has taught me well, “Don’t fight with the idiots, just disarm them… !!”

When I actually began Kesariyaa Baalam, it was only Maa Saraswati who blessed me & gave me the strength to completely ignore this horribly besuraa old Man… I really wondered.. Why doesn’t Maa saraswati bless this Old Man too for a change?

Soon after, started all Bollywood Hungama.. I sat quietly in the corner when the audience in front of us were dancing and partying crazily on the Bollywood numbers… I waited for my turns.. I realized that the Catharsis in this form was an internal need of the people present there & I had had No Aversion for the situation… I just waited calmly for my number … Every time I was invited on the stage.. I presented some Folk, some Sufi & some Semi-classical songs which invariably got a great applaud.. I also sang a Ghoomar & danced with the women present there to make it sure that I was NO different, & just a part of them all.. I also wished to convey this to my organizers that I had No problem with Bollywood… only thing is – I just didn’t know this music!

Interestingly, it was NOT the organizers who understood this, but the chairman of the medical association for whom we were singing, After the concert, he came over to see me & expressed his deep gratitude and said he could very well realize that I dint actually belong to the ambiance and yet I did my job honestly… he said I appreciate your courage to continue to be here but I have perfectly perceived the color of your music & I would like to invite you for a solo music concert for a special group of listeners next year.. I felt that this gesture of that gentleman said it all.. Later, Many other women too came over and said they are really tired of Bollywood 'Bombardings' & it was refreshing for them to listen to a completely different color of Indian Music.. !! They had had this opportunity to listen to this kind of soulful & meaningful renderings after 25 years… They were nostalgic & and their eyes were wet.. They were right.. well, I felt sad & happy both at once!

Bollywood Prevails:

Being aware of the evolution of the musical realities I am surrounded by now, I know that Bollywood Music is nothing but contemporary folk music of India.. It IS people’s Music & has evolved with/for the society, just as the traditional folk melodies those I render in my concerts too have evolved as a semi-classical /’elite’ genre in contemporary times.. My only personal stand is if Bollywood Music truly has something to offer to the artiste in me, I would love to explore that but I surely deny to be the part of a shabby & spineless mimicry of Bollywood Music.. Also, If & only if at all, the singer in me has a problem with a popular/prefixed song, then it is – it binds me to someone else’s imagination & takes away my right to communicate with the composition & know the greater nuances of it which I can do otherwise, by elaborating & enhancing the gaps it contains.. :O)) As against that, melodies I render give me a beautiful frame with a basic musical idea which could be explored infinitely!

I know Power of Bollywood is unchallengeable, and that is Not the intention too to challenge their authority or popularity! But what happens, most of the next generation of NRIs there conceives that India is Bollywood & Bollywood is India.. What an Illusion.. But seriously, what difference does it make to their life if they perceive the Bollywood Image of India as the Truth? As one of my dear pals very correctly said that we Indians too perceive Hollywood as The West! Don't we? Then? Why am I being judgmental?

So! What is my job? My role?

Be honest! Sing what you know! Don’t sing what you don’t know!

Simple! I did that & that worked magically…

Basi Khana & Basi Gaanaa!

Later.. I had a big deal of argument with one of my organizers… I said after doing more than a dozen successful concerts here, now I can say that people do wish to listen to all kinds of music.. its We artists who under Their name, escape the hard work and serve them all frozen music - the “Basi Gaana” like Basi Khana by microwaving it again & again… In a way, Easy for them, & more easy for us! No fear of the “Unknown” at all!

I have No rosy hopes that my arguing with him would help in any way to change this scene, but it will help me to reaffirm that I will Not be afraid of Hardship & still I will connect… Connect to those who are my Real Audience!

Oh! Is this sounding too prudish!?! Well, I still have to go ahead with the narration!

Multilingualism, Music & Listeners!

I came across in my audience multiple Indian Ethnicity & communities who felt my music was close to their heart… Most of them were Gujaratis… Punjabis… North Indians and so on.. Well, again it is Sad but True that my own Marathi Manoos in the audience couldn’t approve much of me as my music couldn’t ‘please’ most of them! (of course, with an exception here n there…) Not their fault I feel, as it was a fact that I could not sing more Marathi Numbers for them… And may be, it is My over-expectation that my Marathi Manoos should feel proud of me & encourage me when I present songs in the languages other than Marathi… :O((

It is a problem sometimes if you are a multilingual singer… as a result you are expected to deliver all good numbers from the music of all these respective cultures & communities but it is not feasible to incorporate all that in one single concert when you are facing multiple ethnicity as your audience.. But It can’t be explained every time to everybody and… that spreads some misunderstandings…!!Well, Not everything can be helped… !!

Music – An Art & An Industry!

It is true that I came across some music making agencies who were treating music more as an entertaining and marketable entity and less as an art.. (Of course Music IS a big Industry I know ) so their conduct completely differ from the ones who believe more in freedom of expression, creativity & so on… There should be a dialogue between the two streams I felt.. & It was really heartening that at the same time I also came across people & organizations who were interested in promoting all streams of Music & serious attempts of music making… The thing is – you have to find such people.. :O))

I felt the scene here was very much similar to the one in my own country..

Later, I asked one of my artist friends, Buddy, do you feel is this all an old-ish thinking? He said: “Nopes, It is an inner need of an artiste to seek for the aesthetic perfection.. But then there are external needs too which we can not ignore!” :O))

Good cultures & societies are always all-encompassing ones.. & thus overall I was Happy that there was a room though a little one, for as an artiste like me Outside my Home also, as much as I have it in my own country.. :O))

I loved being in Philadelphia:

I loved being in Philadelphia and especially loved interacting with Afro-Americans there.. All those Cool cabwalahs, Street dancers, Vendors, Bus Drivers, Policemen & also the Security officials.. & much more they were.. It was told to me that Phili is an Afro-American Hub.. I really loved to see them Singing with their earthy & soulful voices.. Also dancing with some magical movements.. also working.. in a very informal and friendly manner.. !! I found them very loving & hospitable, helping.. I don’t know, but something inside me could connect to them very strongly.. Also I loved the downtown, the Monumental buildings… Amazing architectures.. Philadelphia Art Museums, Beautiful churches and their bells.. Penn Square.. & so on & on.. !! :O)) Something inside me knew, that I will be there again & yet again!

Personal Findings:

Most of the time, throughout the tour I was all by myself.. Solitude makes man I had heard… :O)) While being with myself, it amazed me immensely when I found it out that I really didn’t know what to do with all the money that I earned.. It indicated that my material needs are very, very low… But at the same time it really bothered & scared me when I thought about my high, very high emotional needs.. :O)) I asked myself.. Where is the Balance Pra? Striking this missing Balance should be the immediate task to be fulfilled I said smilingly!

That was it!

Tour was over. I was on my way back, sitting in the lounge at the airport eating sandwich, & before I could notice, my eyes were wet, and heart was heavy with happiness and woe at once..

Life in the tour had seen many humiliations, neglect, and also mockery to an extent, also it had witnessed society facing various crisis, screwed up marriages, frustrated friends and also some software engineers & MBAs working as housekeepers or nannies to retain their visas during recession… Oh I felt Life everywhere is just the Same.. May it be Inside or Outside!

But Pra felt truly suffocated when she had to confront an ‘indecent proposal’ made by her own ‘close & trustworthy acquaintance’ in USA… Trustworthy & Close? Ha ha.. My foot!! Well, It was hard & yet possible to show the man his (third) class, without directly insulting him.. After all, these kind of happenings keep on recurring once in a while & One Has to be on one’s guard always, when one is isolated, especially so in an alien country.. But I was grateful that Mother Nature had truly blessed Pra with resilience & courage both, thus she could come out of that unsolicited situation safely! But then isn’t this all taxing??!! Well that's how world is.. I wondered why most of the times a woman “unescorted” is interpreted as woman “available”? Sad but True.. !! May be I need to change my body language from soft & friendly to harsh & indifferent what I am NOT! :O((

Well, such unpleasant experience could not make me bitter or vindictive, as far more important was it for me, that I could Also receive a great amount of Unconditional love, Huge appreciation for my music, great hospitality & care from many people there.. !! Also I could meet wonderful NRI artistes who performed along with me & contributed immensely to make all my concerts an unforgettable experience… :O))

Dear Hubby had said when I left; “Don’t come back without earning money & respect!” Now, He is very happy & proud that I have returned as a successful artiste & a strong person too.. But I still wonder what is earned & what is lost?

Moral of the story! :O))

I am aware of the fact that I live in the era where primarily Mediocrity rules, Idealism is ridiculed & Humanity is trampled.. And yet I can sense it – feel it intensely, that to lead a Healthy Life & to reach a Peaceful Death, I do need a kind heart & a value-based living! And I am blessed that I have true soul-pals who share this feeling equally..

I am never Alone!